I swear if I see one more guy in a v-neck and fedora I'm going to punch someone in the balls. This is philly, you're not supposed to look like Ryan Cabrera
i went to a real vip club. the bathroom attendant was wiping down counters after girls wearing gucci did lines of coke on them. where did MY life go wrong
Do you think I can haggle my way to discounted weed on 4.21?
he's legally blind and likes the sound of my voice, good enough for me.
Just so everyone's clear, it was already on fire when I got there.
almost getting arrested is turning into fucking this cop in his ex wife's lawn. see you tomorrow
I mean really it's like when you're super hungry and you can't decide what to eat, you just know you want food. This is that situation, but for my vagina
Did you Fuck minivan and her friend last night?
Can we agree to not tell mom about this?
This isnt even the most disappointing thing i know about you.
I'm never drinking with you again. I woke up in Midtown with a 7' tall Norwegian rugby player named Lexie. Never. Again.
EXCEPT MY COUSIN SAW MY SEX TAPE!
I just squirted in your honor. It's like pouring one out for the beautiful sex partnership that could have been
I went to an adult Halloween party last night dressed as Mrs. Doubtfire, but I woke up on a stranger's couch surrounded by sleeping children in karate gi's. And I accidentally flushed my granny wig mid-puke, so if they wake up I'm gonna have to convince them that I'm just a weird older man and not a terrible cross dresser.
How did you come to this point in your life?
Good bartenders.
i knew it was a party when i saw you sitting on the couch naked with the keg in your lap, still drinking and passing out cups
Some bitch is passed out in a pool of vomit. Fucking lightweight, it's only 8.30.
Oh, wait.. That's you.
Randomize
