i'm in his bathroom *freshening up* and he not only has a hairdryer... but a straightener. get me out of here... NOW
forgot a fork. i am eating fettucini alfredo with a comb that i rinsed off the the bathroom sink. eating alone in my car. life doesn't get any sadder than this
Apparently, I woke him up at 4AM, and yelled "you're mad because we don't have sex," while grabbing his dick. Then immediately fell back asleep, dick in hand.
sleazy september. first one with mono loses.
Dude are you alive? We drank shit that made a german bartender blow chunks.
She's popping painkillers like they're tic tacs and singing the soundtrack to dreamgirls. It's you're turn to babysit her.
he just gave me a love letter in polish. he thinks i speak polish. I DONT SPEAK POLISH
Yeah bunch of crazy shit... Makes you wonder how anyone found someone before tinder
Stocking up on Wasabi powder. Nobody's tampons are safe.
You reeked of guilt and shame and we offered you pancakes
tonight at the bar some people told me that I have a sprit following me around.. that's the kind of shit that you laugh off till you're home alone.
Just to clear things up, yes you did lick the strippers butt
I can’t shake the image of her gigantic black unibrow. It’s like I got a blowie from Eugene Levy
Longest 30 seconds of my life
10/10 so not recommended
My favourite part was when you contorted upside down in the tub and said "I don't want to be upside down"
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