Why are all the lights on in my house? Every single one. Someone should turn them off but I'm the only one here and I'm sure as hell not doin it.
My mom is pretending to be Paula Deen while making breakfast...I'm pretty sure she's sober.
She told me I reminded her of the fair. And she wanted to deep fry my dick and eat it.
I thought about farting is his face when he was going down on me last nite.
You kept tellin the cashier that this order was "To Go" over and over...even tho we were in the drive-thru
If him repeating sorry while thrusting isn't makeup sex than I don't know what else is
The lego bong didn't work. Just made us look stupid
He's so sweet...I can't see him enjoying that I got injured during sex.
Just try not to have a boner when you're giving your best man speech, it will really kill the vibe
So, my eyeglasses somehow ended up in my nightstand drawer and they're covered in lube.
The 666th photo in my phone is of him and if that's not a sign that he's secretly the Antichrist, idk what is. Also, bring more rum.
and then after the older sorority girl asked me his name she said "he gave me the rest of his mcdonalds and I decided to go home with him. it was the best that I could hope for my night"
She deleted me on Facebook. I think it's safe to say that she knows I fucked him now.
Hurry I'm alone dressed like a prostitute eating French fries.
Almost gave myself a concussion stealing a stuffed unicorn hanging on a street sign but hey I got home safe
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