he said he didn't have a condom.
and you said?
that that's fine cause i was ready to be a mom. yeah - he magically had a condom he forgot about after that.
we were dressed as cave people and he kept telling everybody i was so easy a caveman could do it.
i knew she was high when she broke up the cookies into her glass of milk and ate it like cereal
how bad would it be if i made his twitter my home page?
You act like this is the first time i've fingered two 17 year olds at the same time
someone lit off fireworks while I puked in the street. I was like congratulating me for making it through homecoming.
Im embracing the luau theme and maybe bringing a kiddie pool filled with alcohol. Im also embracing the high probability I will not remember this night.
Spilled red wine all over my bed. This has to be the fiftieth time ive refused to fall asleep without a drink in my hand
When I woke up my bed had been moved to the middle of my living room, a hippie was spooning me on one side and a pile of cocaine on the other, did I go through a time warp or are we still in 2012?
Almost ran over girl selling candy bars for charity. Pretty much obligated to buy at that point.
AND I JUST BURNT MY BACON. WTF MONDAY. SCREW YOU TOO
my grandpa paid for my boob job but he just doesn't know it.
Thanks for being the best husband and reassuring my fuck buddy that you're comfortable with my adultery. You da real MVP.
Smargarita sloshedurday tomorrow around 2
Bring a helmet for your liver
I haven't felt more like a college student than when I woke up this morning naked with my sociology textbook in front of me and my bong in my left hand.
Randomize
