Do you have any cake mix? I kind of need to make a "im sorry i drank all your parents tequila, threw up all over your floor and slept with you boyfriend" cake.
can you wear a superman outfit if we ever have sex?
When do i get to see u next week?
When I teabag your entire family
i just lost my virginity over my 3 hour lunch break..
u hav a 3 hour lunch break?!
i like how the length of my lunch break is the thing that phases u
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Fuck Spring. The birds chirping at 4am make me feel unnatural for still being up and drunk.
yup, got lost on my way to the final. maybe i should have gone to this class all semester
I think the puke all over the side of my car actually improves its appearance.
There are bud lights poping out of the zipper of my overnight bag and my dildo almost fell out in the elevator. not professional
Why did you leave me a note saying 'find the canary'
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I thought it was a drawer and tried to pull it out and it wasnt a drawer it was the police call button. I hate everything.
Can you bring me a corn dog or something shaped like one?
The last thing I remember is singing hotel California with a hobo and asking every bald man I saw if I could touch his head.
I went 670% over budget on my vacation. My accountant would flip if he weren't me.
How the fuck do you have so much free time?
Polyphasic sleep schedule.
So I'm hiding in my bathroom smoking bowls because my landlords kids came over to visit my dog... My life has reached a new low
what the fuck happend anyway? How did it go from smoothies after work to blacking out?
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