Sooo sorry about that. And crying. And comparing my life to a duck
How creepy of a mustache can you grow by wednesday night?
BTW, it's bullshit to say that not doing a shot is unpatriotic. You know how I fall for that.
You told me to pour the Gatorade on you "like Flashdance"
i saw the poster for your lost tequila... what a shame
You brought us all personal gifts you had stolen from the party and bellowed "hoes hoes hoes, clepto Santa loves you"
I can't believe I left out the part about him peeing on the side of Route 2 at 3 a.m. while wearing a dress.
I have decided that today will be all about indulgence and hedonism.
You rubbed a frozen pizza in my face. The concerning part was that it was semi cooked from our body heat
Made eye contact with his twin sister the day after he gave me a lifechanging blowjob. Do you think she knows?
You FaceTimed me at three in the morning while you were peeing. Your eyes were glazed over and you showed me your bellybutton.
Yeah. I'm so over work, that I'm not even satisfied pretending to work anymore. I just flat out want to go home. Fuck this job
I described my life as a 7 layer cake of death
it was all good until mid make out when he announced 'i just came'. ...he wasn't joking.
Bold words for someone NOT on a unicycle
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