Do you have a straightener and are extra lubricated condoms not the norm?
I'm trying this new thing, it's called standards
She is my favorite of all the girls you have fucked. Other than me.
I wonder what it would be like to masturbate in space
Can you imagine it being physically possible any other way unless the cows are unnaturally flexible
i make up for being a shitty girlfriend by being amazing in bed.
I'm in my winter jacket and nothing else. very drunk. bring bitches.
Do you think it'll be awkward standing up at their wedding knowing I've slept with both the bride and the groom?
Just asking. Could've given you a lap dance in a sombrero, drenched in corona and tequila.
God Bless cinco de mayo
Join us. We're on the roof drinking breakfast
I'm taking a leave of absence and sending myself to fat camp. I'll let you know when I'm out.
He made me a flamingo drink and now I don't know why things are the way they are.
I almost had sex at the fire station last night and I need you to acknowledge all the awesomeness that is in that sentence.
I like to send nudes ok? If that's my biggest flaw I think I'm ok
Have you ever woken up and said a thank you prayer to the beer gods for allowing you to wake up in the morning and still have the ability to walk and talk? Because we should.
Randomize
