I got my half for the rent already.I called the cops on the drug dealer neighbor and got a 500 bucks as a reward
She said she had a thing for dinosaurs. Come get me now
a girl just told me i should have been born earlier in the alphabet
Woke up this morning 8 levels higher in Call of Duty then when I started drinking... told you I was better when I was drunk.
He looked me straight in the eye when he was fingering me last night...it was very serial killer.
I had a moment while I was smoking where I was looking at these palm trees and I knew how dr Seuss came up with his characters.
Favor? Can you not wear as much glitter on your face this time? Walking in the house looking like a disco ball was enough embarrassment for the week 😒
he made a bon jovi sex playlist and started crying when "i'll be there" came on... how was your night?
My New Years Resolution is to get everyone to start talking like a 40 year old douchebag. From now on, you will only refer to me as Chief.
I had to puke in a ditch beside a cow pasture and like 50 cows just stood there and watched. I could feel the judgment.
FOUND: my underwear in the cabinet above the toilet. What the actual fuck.
Themes for tonight: men who look like bill Gates but sing smash mouth songs. Women who's names are also food. Haircuts that DO NOT cover bald spots.
See this is where I mess up.. I get distracted by the option of consistent sex and free beer
Everyone has seen your nipples. It's like asking if they ever walked on grass. You need better hangover questions.
Bro i just made a pipe out of a mechanical pencil and the top to an eye drop bottle. Does that make me some kind of pot god?
Randomize
