the best part about tonight...knowing when i wake up in the morning his car will still be full of packing peanuts..and mine wont
i feel like i'm a professional at blowjobs i can deep throat an entire spatula
Eric and I got kicked off of karaoke last night. Apparently, singing about masturbation to the tune of "A Whole New World" is not appropriate and definitely frowned upon by the DJ.
she just uttered the sweetest sentence in the english language...my stripper friends are coming over
I walked in on her just letting her nose bleed into her friend's hands
On the way home she put on a necklace with her name on it and wrote my name in sharpie across my chest so that in the morning we could avoid the awkward Idk who the fuck you are conversation. Best. Girl. Ever.
You were walking away to pee and as you were undoing your belt you looked at me and said "the belt is off. the game is on. Remever that."
I think the closest to heaven you can get in this world is your morning dump after a night of Molly
Let the record show that the first hour of my twenty-first was spent shooting tequila ans discussing the emotional integrity of werewolves.
Drove by a cop already pulling someone over and toasted him with my bong
It's 4 in the afternoon........
That hot shower felt like it washed away all of my problems... Except being pregnant... Ps just found out I'm pregnant. Fuck.
doing squats while I brush my teeth.. gotta keep the booty in check
Was banging my ex last night when his roommate walked in... We kept going. #goaheadandwatch
When we were fucking he called me by his moms name then after we were done told me to call him. He's not receiving a call... What if his mom picks up?
Just had the biggest masturbatory crisis ever.
What does that mean?
Internet is down.
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