Dude, I couldnt get it up cause she said her parents were home...
ok, come over...I have doritos
Best news of the day: the hot chick at the funeral was NOT related to me... Thank god
Give me one situation where peeing in your garage could be a bad idea
Fucking Canada. At least when they wake up tomorrow they're still in Canada
She was indeed spoonfeeding you potato salad out of that giant bowl with a giant spoon. Dont feel special, she was giving it to everyone that left the bar.
I would have thought, as two of my best friends, you girls could have cought me as I fell out of the shower. There are so many bruises.
I was thrown in the air atleast 3 times by baby jesus
At one point they were sandwiching me, both petting my stomach, mad dogging each other. Then they somehow telepathically decided to both try to pull my pants down. Such nice guys.
Apparently the Massachusetts Bay Transit Authority severely looks down on Chinese firedrills on a public bus
Yeah but the people love.
If you had a dick, I would hope it falls off and comes back to haunt you while fucking your ears at night. But you don't. But if you did, that's how mad I am at you
Once the overwhelming "oh god my crotch is on fire" wears off, that excite stuff is really nice
I woke up this morning to my panties draped around the neck of an empty bottle of bulleit. That is the perfect visual metaphor for my life at this juncture.
This is a hot dog holiday. I intend to do my part for the processed meat workers of this great union.
Im 76 percent sure I took a fully clothed shower last night.
I woke up wearing mittens dude
I woke up in my bathtub with the potted plant from downstairs.
checkmate.
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