he is naked. in. my. bed. happiest day. of my. LIFE.
he kind of looks like leonardo dicaprio...in whats eating gilbert grape
wtf, did you fuck a retard?!
I just had a librarian tell me that "wikipedia is like sex"
When he expanded on the analogy it actually made sense. "you're going to do it either way, so I'm just going to tell you how to do it safely."
I just puked so hard I pissed myself. Outta my ass. I just won hangover of the century.
I was cracked out naked on a toilet pretending I was posing for playboy.. Shit got weird, but apparently I had a good bday.
We left his house because I forgot how to drink water, I was just holding it in my mouth and then spitting it out, needless to say I don't remember the sex.
Nothing says love like couples STD testing
Nothing says breakup like the results
I could run a drunk marathon in heels
You have all semester to unpack your car, quarter jello shots only last until 10.
I sent my roommate a text from MY phone that said, "I don't know where my phone is." Must've been a good night.
He's such a neat freak that he started making the bed while I was still laying on it naked. He succeed in case you were wondering.
At least you didn't wake up next to your professor who then proceeded to cancel class via phone while still inside of me.
I need a job that does not involve working with people who wear animal costumes when they get fucked.
Don’t say some truly stupid shit like that to me. In a kitchen. Where the knives are kept
got the runs at the club last night. wondering when it'll be safe to show my face again.
Randomize
