I need to have sex with someone before he does. I need to win this break up!
So for two years my friend Mark has been building a catapult in his basement. Yesterday he realized it's too big to get it out.
You need to give me a reason immediately why he is your friend.
TAKE DOWN THAT PHOTO OF ME IN THE NURSES COSTUME NOW.
i'm thankful for my girlfriend's hot cousins....god, i love her family parties.
Can't a girl send out a 4 pm booty call anymore
No i peed with you in the toilet. The guy I high fived was mid pee in front of the urinal
Apparently he's taking the slut he cheated on me with on a cruise for her birthday. THAT COULD HAVE BEEN ME. TITANTIC STYLE.
Omg. The news was on TV while I was giving him a bj...when the weatherman said its a beautiful start to December, he groaned and said it sure is.
I just spent 20 minutes in a Subway trying to take a candid photo of the doppleganger of the guy I lost my virginity to instead of eating. That's all the evidence I need that my life is on track.
Ever since we've gotten back together, it's like the ghosts of booty call's past have been hitting me up. Lol.
My body is telling me there was tequila. My pictures say it was Jeff's fault
I think I've been inadvertently participating in a contest to see how many times I can show up to work hungover in my first year of teaching. And I'm the only participant. Not sure if I'm winning or losing.
I just want someone to put their head on my boobs and laugh at my jokes ....
I was so drunk last night dude. I woke up this morning to my oven being wide open and my pants on the kitchen floor.
He chose me to be his birthday sex..theres a lot of pressure riding on this bang
Randomize
