I'm sitting at the bar eating dinner next to a nerd, a guy in a 10 gallon hat, and a policeman. I feel like I joined The Village People
You can't be mad at me for wanting to drink though, it is the reason we're engaged
Judging by what's in the bathroom right now, I see you graced us with your presence last night.
On the one hand, she would be the biggest mistake of my year. On the other hand, she's here and drunk.
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His mom walked into the kitchen smiling, made a scotch on the rocks, hit my bong, and told us goodnight enthusiastically. He's suddenly more appealing to me.
You cant carve pumpkins without vodka. It's a Halloween tradition.
I have a feeling she doesn't appreciate me as a person. She only fucks me because I look like Harry Potter.
Either I spilled whiskey on my boobs last night or they are fermenting. Not concerned in the slightest
You pretended to pelvic thrust my mother on the boat while my 92 year old grandmother looked on. Thanks.
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Safe to say I'm terrified but totally AMPED
Oh and I'm kind of in the library.
Waiting for the foreign guy who keeps staring to make his creepy move.
What the hell do you have that is more important than a GIANT WATER SLIDE?
are you still alive?
no.
i'll cry at your funeral. and leave a burrito by your tombstone
The cat hopped on my bed and watched me masturbate naked with a vibrator. I've never felt more sorry in my entire life
Was cussing out our DD when one of the strippers takes him backstage. WTF
They call him magic hands is all I know.
Somethings are best left a mystery
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