Masturbating after my cheeseburger. It's unavoidable.
It was kinda bitchy last night when i brought up my pregnancy scare and you said "shotty playing with it"
Then I opened the closet and then i found the babies
you know that annoying kid in my psych class? accidentally hit him in the face with a door today. perfect end to the semester.
I just got off a plane from Mexico. At least 15 passengers dashed to the bathroom throughout the flight. Can you tell its spring break?
No. I remember how loud you used to get. Trust me.
Look what our sorority has done to us...we're hitting on girls in hopes of getting an awesome little.
it's ok. you also told me I can feel free to vomit on your blow dryer sometime.
when we got back we had sex. but it wasnt til the morning that i figured out her leg was broken
After giving a back rub to someone in the bathroom of the theater, he ripped an "employees must wash hands" sign off the wall to prove that he could and proceeded to hang it up in his house.
It feels like I'm breathing out my heart and it spreads through my limbs to my fingertips.
No. I'm drinking straight up vodka right now. With a pineapple in it.
That'll put some boobs in that bra.
all we have is white fucking wine this is a travesty it's christmas not a fucking funeral
Just woke up to find that I'd left a stove burner on for the past 6 hours or so. I'm now banned from Ambien cooking.
He pulled out a Plan B pill and handed it to me as I left like it was a party favor. God Bless America.
Randomize
