Just saw an old lady trip and stumble. Laughed. Kept Driving. I'm going to hell.
Seriously.......what do you have to do to get arrested in Vegas???
He wore homemade jorts on our first date. I'm not sure if I should leave now or embrace the white trash lust and marry him
he got promoted. that means i have now given my new boss chlaymida. i need a new job.
the guy in the stall next to me, came in, farted, laughed, and proceeded to give himself some sort of hillbilly pep talk that included the phrase "big pussy".
Is there any chance I can see you without pouring vodka on your head?
We blazed in her bathtub. All 5 of us. Not easy bro
I just watched the lion king for the first time in years. It's like the equivalent of a really good blow job.
Got cut off last night cuz this chick had her hands down my shorts and was blatantly playing with my dick while I was trying to order. apparently that's "frowned upon"
That makes 14 Xmas cards already! Middle aged people are really nice to their dealers.
I would rather her be sleeping with someone new than getting to go Harry Potter world before me...
Honestly I am too high to watch videos of you jerking off right now
Fucking adderall I just talked at the security guard for 90 minutes
I feel like I don't even know what's gonna happen when we first see each other. It'll be like explosions and glitter and a unicorn will run by pulling a sleigh of alcohol and sex.
Thank you for always being there for me.
Sorry wrong derek... Do u have any weed?
Randomize
