i havee beer in my backseat and a glow in the dark condom in my cleaveage.
you're going for the gold here.
can someone explain to me why i woke up under a twister sheet
She said my main job as maid of honor is to ensure the groom doesn't find out that each of his seven groomsmen has had his penis inside her.
Dude. Apparently I just smoked some stuff that's used for Nigerian spirit quests.
I went from innocently day drinking to waking up handcuffed in jail. Fuck you game days
You didn't hold all these dicks to become a party planner!
New year means new boundaries for the Brazilian lady.. I'm pretty sure I got wax on my asshole
Ever walked into a basement full of 10 guys jerking it to a live stripper? Cause I have. Always confirm the address of a house party. Always.
Its not that it wasnt fun. Its just I got a tooth knocked out and that was my second time being arrested this year
Side note: the physics of a guy my size and age getting laid in the backseat of a Toyota Camry are absolutely staggering
I just remembered I made you punch yourself in the face last night and I would like to formally apologize for that even though it was hilarious.
I don't want anything calamari shaped after last night. But I appreciate the Cheerios offer.
Okay so it turns out that my bf keeps a log of every time I sleep-fart. It's dated back to 2013.
you asked the cab driver if he wanted to meet your parents, last night.
Did I ever tell you what happened that night after he ran you over?
Randomize
