sometimes when you bring the thunder you get lost in the storm
I may also break bread with strippers. Because it is passover.
He said my breasts were God's way of making up to him for all the shit he's had to endure in his life.
Just walked in and was handcuffed to a police woman. Fire fighter woman poured franzia down my throat. Aaaaand I just ate cookies off of Little Red Riding Hood's tits.
Can we talk about the fact that I plucked weed off your ass this morning like it's a normal thing to do?
Shaving my legs with an ankle monitor on is surprisingly more difficult than the drunk driving that got me here
I was worried he'd break you after the hiatus your lady parts had to take from social interaction.
I COULD BREAK CONCRETE WITH MY FOOTBALL ERECTION.
When I die I just want my headstone to my name, date of birth-death, and TEQUILA!!
Awwww breaks my heart, I just wanna fix his teeth and give him a blowjob.
where are my pants?
in the oven.
I love you. Doing a double. Going to die. It will be painful. Let the world know i partied. God, did i party.
OMG also, I'm sorry I tased you a lil
He was eating me out on a picnic table on the frame lake trail and right after I came, a group of hikers walked around the corner. Stood up just in time
And this is one of the many reasons why you need a car.
WAIT YOU’VE NEVER BEEN TO COSTCO???
COSTCO IS MAGICAL
I can’t believe you two made a group text to scream at me about Costco.
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