I would wrestle an alligator for a bj right now
Ran into him today. He apologized via facebook. sometimes I hate our generation
I'm gagging in the liquor aisle just thinking about how much alcohol I'll be drinking this weekend.
I'm watching i used to be fat. I've been doing crunches for the last half hour yelling at the slut on tv to stop crying and do crunches.
Whatever. It was high school. Back then I'd blow anyone who had enough room between their chest and their steering wheel for my head to fit.
I woke up covered in sausage cart mustard and champagne
I wish we could skip the pretense of being normal and just start drinking wine with breakfast
Dude it started out with let's find some food and ended up with me getting a needle in the face
You almost hooked up with 200lb woman in her mid-forties, because you were convinced she was adele. Your drinking problem is officially out of control.
Just face planted the stairs. Apparently Santa brought an extra step while I was at the bar... Fucking dick
We put a ban on pants at an unusually early point in the night.
how do you casually eat pancakes with someone after they send you an unsolicited dick pic?
you don't. it's the point of no return for pancake enjoyment.
He said he'd prefer a photo rather than discuss politics, I sent him a snapchat "conservative shorts 4 conservative man". He said "be liberal"
His favorite stripper is going to jail. He's taking it pretty hard
I know how to kill a man with nutmeg and a sword. You in?
Or nah
Randomize
