why did i wake up with a kid named Raphael in my bed this morning?
I dont know but you did call last night to tell me you found the last ninja turtle
capris are just wrong
its like "what can i possible wear to make myself look short and fat? Oh I know!!"
There's something fitting about a hot in-car interracial makeout to the tune of 'healing the world.' RIP Mike.
Even DaVinci knew it was gay to draw the penis big. Thanks art history
Katy Perry is on a Proactiv commercial. That "I kissed a girl" shit is so much less hot now.
Just coat-checked 2 backpacks full of 40's...it was the bouncer's idea.
I got a letter from the home owners association saying its against policy to have sex on the trampoline.
Then you jumped in the pool because your were convinced the scratches on your neck from the cat were gills and you could breathe underwater.
I'm training him to sit when I whistle the tune from the hunger games. I'm going to be the coolest parent ever.
Playing nyquil pong with a cat again
I'm not sure what is worse, the fact that Hoffman doesn't sell vodka before 9am or that I was trying to buy vodka at 8:30am.
Haha. Maybe he's one of those feminine men who fucks like a god then makes you fantastic crepes afterwards
I fully committed to my astronaut costume, to say the least. blacking out on moonshine and having a moonwalk of shame this morning: happy Halloweekend.
Got caught peeing in public. Sucks. It was a police station. Sucks worse.
GIIIIRL I AM STONED AF AND I HAVE A HOMEMADE POT PIE IN THE OVEN THIS PARTY IS LIT.
Randomize
