my facebook friend requests are always from girls of boyfriends i have fucked, facebook is the worst reminder of shame
I'm at the casino and some dude apparently has money in an entire row of slot machines. Its like watching a really intense adult version of wack a mole
I'm sitting by myself in my bra eating a waffle and drinking pineapple rum. gamedaaaayyyyyyy
You said "i miss him" not "i miss his dick." You're getting emotionally attatched. Shame.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Shit, my parents are coming over and I just realized that a grinder is not an acceptable paperweight
Was in the middle of a keg stand, the frat guys dropped me, and I broke my nose. My mom didn't enjoy that call from the hospital.
Today's been pretty great, I went and bought the new Batman for the sole purpose of masturbating to Bane
I just love it. It's warm and soft and the rest of the world is so mean. My bed would never be mean to me
Let's hurry up so I can puke at home instead of my van
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Just found out I made out with the 40 year old Captain of the boat at the barge party. On the bright side he let me drive the boat so at least there's that.
I snuck out three pillows from the hotel i was rolling so hard. They are like little clouds. I regret nothing.
I just got a voicemail from some strange woman with a Russian accent. Are you ok?
She gave me a roadie as we drove home from fireworks. People were still lighting off their displays as we drove by. I love America.
How high were you when you left that message, cause you made honest-to-God, credible seal noises.
There was pot, but there are no Doritos, no Funyons, no Oreos.
Send help.
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