oh my god I didn't know your sister was this good at french kissing
Haha no. But I cannot hook up with you anymore. Especially when you group text people.
i cant be the least bit upset about his new gf cause all i think is that she has to put things in his ass
u ever jackoff with ur legs spread and pretend ur fuckin urself as a girl and get mad u'll never know what that feels like. Or to fly like a bird?
Did u absorb a fraternal twin in the womb?
His texts read Like a 15 year olds diary.
We have a tower of vodka coming. OF VODKA
He can only pee with the faucet running. It's like I'm dating a fucking toddler.
Apparently I missed the "You may have to jack off a horse" part of the application.
Do you remember making out with the dude in the back of my cab last night?? You said his mustache tickled your tongue.
He told me that he'd ride his snowmobile from Cincinnati to Toledo in this blizzard just so I could give him head.
The awkward moment when a lady ask you what kind of lipliner you're using, but really I have just finished eating hot cheetos.
Just shared a bacon biscuit with my cat.... Life is weird for me right now
I just drunkenly signed my mortgage application...
Is this how the global financial crisis happened?
I almost just opened my door to get my pizza butt ass naked
I believe the only reason I am slightly functional right now is the leftover drugs in my nose that I keep sniffing
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