Don't worry about later. I already pre-ordered a pizza for a 1:45 delivery and told them to ignore any calls from your number.
You're getting good at this, you know that?
I've never been 12-exclamation-point-excited for sex. That must have been good.
She told me she couldnt give me head last night because she was running out of listerine
I just tried to sell my homemade "lightning bolt stencil for pubes" on Etsy.
I could be wrong, but im pretty sure i jumped off the roof after my lighter.
Just had a flash back. Pretty sure i ate toilet paper last night.
Tried to eat a sandwich this morning. Couldn't. My jaw is locked up. These marathon blow jobs are killing me
I wasn't sure how he was going to followup "so,i shot myself.." i guess "w a nail gun" is the best choice out of what I expected
I shouldn't trust a guy I just met with the pull out method. That's a big responsibility.
There's a bachlorette party going on at the bowling alley, so we'll see who wins greatest shitshow tonight.
Saved a life and got us a free vacuum cleaner (and learned vacuum is not spelled "vacumn"). Get on my level.
Woke up in her bed this morning with a half used condom stuck to the side of my face
How can a condom be "half used"?
He almost got to me tonight but then I was like fuck it I'm going to dance with a teli-tubby on the bar so fuck you
You're still my best friend even though you continue to pass out on random toilets every time you drink
Idk how much of a virgin he is but I'm tryna find out.
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