You talked to that cop for like 15 minutes and when you got back, you told us you were "networking".
I woke up this morning with my hair wrecked, a split lip, and an "H" on my right knee and a "I!" on my other knee.
I'm so proud of your ability to turn my Charlie horse last night into anal sex.
Did you get my bra back of the bartender?
I seriously think we need to revision your idea of 'keeping a low profile'
Apparently I've been blackout drunk doing abstract algebra on the floor
And your cousins porn shouldn't have been the first straight porn you watched. And for that I am sorry
You know he really cares when he gives you one of those on-the-go toothbrushes for your walk of shame before running to work
Your cock deserves a montage
Fucking someone because they own a lava lamp is like fucking someone because they have 20 dollars and no concern for their house burning down.
It's titled "A countdown to death. A psychological look at the downward spiral of actress Lindsay Lohan and her inevitable Hollywood demise" This dissertation is genius. Not a single sober moment for either Lindsay or myself. Good stuff!
Woke up eating a pickle on the bathroom floor this morning in some random guys sweat pants.
You have talents. You got me laid two weekends in a row in two different cities.
If you bet guys that you can drink them under the table they will pay for your drinks all night until they pass out. I have this down to a science that I think even my dad would appreciate.
You licked my eyeball, you are officially cut off. If you just missed you can have a second chance on Friday.
we were having a conversation about big dicks and the chick at the table beside us turned to us said "me and my boyfriend just broke up a few days ago. Could you please NOT talk about big dicks"
Randomize
