..Thats also how I think I got the lyrics from MIAs Paper Planes Sharpeed on my ass? Maybe.
Apparently I farted on her in my sleep. Then, just to be sure she was cool, I did it again on purpose and she didnt say anything. So, WIN?
i'm pretty sure i just ruined some dude's romantic riverside sunset proposal by running outside and puking in a bush.
how many days can you live off of Vicodin and frosty?? im going on 4 days......
im downtown. alone. lost. drunk. dressed as santa. dont find me. i just heard someone say mechanical bull.
remind me to get a blood sugar test this week. I'm pretty sure I'm a mojito away from diabetes.
if it doesnt flame it aint got game is a bad drinking motto eyebrow-wise.
eyebrows regrow, your balls dont
Don't tell me 'the Fonzie' doesn't work. Went to see Shakespeare high and gave the sign to the dude playing Macbeth. Now at a cast party getting blown. All hail the Fonz.
There's an owl outside. I feel like he's hooing directly at me.
WHY ARE THERE SO MANY BURPS IN MY SMALL, INCREDIBLY ATTRACTIVE BODY
My uterus feels like it went 8 rounds with Mike Tyson. And that was only a quickie.
when I was walking home I wad so excited to see a cat on the sidewalk but it was really a traffic cone
What's the rule for getting in fights with homeless men in suits?
Here's a rule: don't
Interesting, I was always told to run away from crazy, but you seem to think we should run towards them dick first.
It was probably bad to sleep with someone just to pet his dog right?
Randomize
