I just want to hang out with her.
You're a liar. Why do I have to give you reasons you can't have sex with my mom? I hate you.
Odds of those being real?
One in who gives a fuck
How am I supposed to spread my seed with you "modern women" and your birth control?
she is the kim kardashian of front butts
No, don't worry. We're not going to get THAT arrested.
He said I came instead of I'm coming. I wonder if he noticed my state of confusion when I stopped blowing him.
Wasn't he an English major?
he saw my boobs and came all over himself... there goes my whole night.
your drunk mistake has arrived...he is the one wearing a poncho
I'd like to introduce you to my friend, Moderation. Enjoy each other's company this weekend.
Your friend and I already don't get along
I'm now drinking beer through a straw. By order of the bartender.
According to the red cross, I'm not suppose to do anything strenuous for the next 24 hours. That means you're on top.
A fair warning: I don't think a cop will let you off the hook just because your birthday is on New Year's Eve
Never remove your contact lenses after eating an entire bag of spicy doritos.
somehow getting chased by a bulldozer was NOT on my to-do list for today. just saying
I just racked up a fucking ginormous hospital bill because I came so hard I had an asthma attack
Randomize
