i know we just met, but i forget your name, and i'm wondering why my penis burns?
i just had a dream that i could control how black Will Smith was with a remote.i need to stop sleeping with the TV on
I have never pre-planed for a better sober morning than lacing my muffin batch with tylenol.
the line at the liquor store is out the door, and students in line are high-fiving like crazy...i love college snow days
I was so hungover that I had to stop in the middle of the game and throw up. The fans cheered.
So squirting runs in the family.
I wish you would stop telling everyone that your cock turned me into a Bears fan.
soon, soon....
I don't believe you anymore. You're like the boy who cried coitus.....
I think if wine wasn't a thing I'd give up on life.
Well. At least he's a gentleman. A gentleman satanist.
Sorry that I got drunk and refused to let you buy me pizza. I'm a monster and I understand if you hate me forever
First poop in my apartment for the summer, officially settled in. :)
You went outside, peed in the front yard, and asked me to bring you some toilet paper.
My Mormon mother just found a butt-plug in our AirBnB closet.
JUST BECAUSE I ANSWER THE DOOR NAKED CARRYING A BOTTLE OF RUM DOESN'T MEAN YOU CAN STARE NEIGHBORS.
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