Is your liver wearing a sombrero yet?
No...more like a life jacket.
if you find a joe biden blowup doll in the attic, I call dibs
I have one thing to say: spongebath.
I wish that wasn't all you had to say. And by that, I mean I wish you hadn't said that at all.
I'm taking child development now so if you get pregnant i can raise your child no worries
He told me he had more lines than a plaid shirt
i chipped my tooth tryin to cut thru her pantyhose. that stuff is bulletproof.
you were fixing your hair in the bathroom mirror and then fell backwards through the locked stall while she was in mid pee and fell on her lap.
She walked home carrying a six pack of beer and someone elses cat
SHE BETTER HAVE BROUGHT BACK MY FUCKING COUCH CUSIONS OR SHES GUNNA GET IT.
I was giving this guy head and he stopped me to look me in the eyes and say "you have a gift"
The bartender just legitimately thanked me for breaking the cycle of speed metal by playing mmmbop.
i don't think that has ever happened before in the history of man
I just used my vibrator to scratch my back. This being single shit is for the birds
I'll meet you in hell with unlimited boxes of wine though
In retrospect, vomiting out of a moving vehicle on the third date should have been a deal breaker
Next time I pee on a car, I'll text you.
I seriously thought Satan had his hand up my asshole and was pulling out my soul. Never. Again.
Randomize
