Do u think I can claim pregnancy as an accident so my insurance covers it?
Women are like Alzheimers patiens. You can compliment them a million times in a day, but the next day is always a wash, you have to start all over.
Apparently getting drunk, buying a guitar from your local costco and walking in to an open mic night is not the same as rocking out to guitar hero...
Bad news. I baked you a cake and one of my fingernails is missing.
I generally just try to vote by which candidate I think has the bigger dick. Sorry Romney.
How on earth did you break your wrist?
I went into someone's yard so I could pee and I found a tireswing
Mid stroke she told me she'd had bigger. Replied I could tell. Sex ended right at that moment.
To drink from my fkask next to a cop car or to not drink from my flask next to a cop car
A sexy devil squat down and peed in front of Tom Hanks from Castaway.
Watching the Walking Dead, snuggled up naked, and drinking a beer. No better way.
If ever there was a tweet to describe your life, it's this.
I did stay at work til 5 but for the last hour I was just taking naked pics on my desk for some tinder guy
She is 6 months pregnant and gets more action at bars than I do.
idk i was trying to watch Fuller House and you got up out of a dead sleep, just in your boxers, said "no more Dave Coulier" and walked out to the living room and unplugged the router
I think drunk me is trying to kill me.
Promise me if ever I think I can't do anything, remind me that I waxed my own butthole
Randomize
