i guess its not very common for a paramedic to have to revive someone who was struck by a falling shampoo bottle while getting off from the bathtub faucet.
you know you made it when your beer pong table is made from imported italian hardwood
She loves me even though she knows all Ive done. Shes kind of like jesus.
I can do it, this is my punishment and I will accept it, plus id like to see the look on peoples faces when I throw up on them
could you please not use my mortar and pestal for its intended purpose? i just snorted cracked black pepper.
After the baby comes, I'll make us White Russians with my breast milk. That will teach her about sharing.
Oh god, so much rum. I think I was in a shotgun wedding with a Bacardi promotion girl.
He's nice but I'm a one bouncer kind of girl
she's five days sober.....are those consecutive????
5 days not 5 nights... like a bad hotel/vacation deal
Im currently watching two girls making out. In the library. Hope your studying is going as good as mine is. Haha
I legit had a 15 minute convo about dinosaurs with a guy at the bar last night cuz he was wearing a jurassic park shirt
There no better feeling of self control than stopping yourself before telling your girlfriend she gives head just like her sister.
She mentions her boyfriend one more time, I'm taking her home and breaking that shit up.
Your penis is the destroyer of worlds.
Dear sober self, your keys are on the table in front of you the only way your typing this is with autocorrect goodnight love you
Randomize
