Texts From Last Night · Random Texts

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(316): View more from Kansas

If you're going to outback I'll have to decline, I've slept with a large enough portion of their staff already.

Fav 13 3143 1257
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(314): View more from Missouri

I'm writing my will in case I die this week, it'll be saved on my computer under: little 500 death scenario

Fav 3 2333 1579
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(561): View more from Florida

I'm laying in the fetal position on the floor of my kitchen eating potato salad with my fingers. Please come over with some real food and keep me company.

Fav 4 834 1385
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(410): View more from Maryland

We play beat the clock every morning. When the alarm goes off, she hits snooze and drops her panties. If I can't finish in time to beat the snooze, she jumps in the shower and I've gotta jerk off.

Fav 26 4778 1012
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(612): View more from Minnesota

Admittedly shitfaced... I have two questions. 1)why is the fan in my bathroom on? (Sub-text: is there a ghost?). 2) is your underwear really argyle?

Fav 2 1111 640
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(425): View more from Washington

You see it tends to piss fathers off when they find their daughter in the arms of a shirtless guy that neither he nor his daughter knows.

Fav 1 1146 602
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(412): View more from Pennsylvania

Well I woke up and my arm was bleeding. And my blood is on the wall in the hallway.

(1-412): View more from Pennsylvania

Umm

(412): View more from Pennsylvania

No idea. I blame fireball.

(1-412): View more from Pennsylvania

Valid.

Fav 1 881 606
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(904): View more from Florida

Chugging this bottle of Jim at the airport is proving more difficult than I imagined. TSA is not amused.

Fav 2 88 21
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(863): View more from Florida

ARE YOU DEAD? TEXT Y FOR YES OR N FOR NO.

Fav 0 31 5
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