no, he came in my armpit
Just made a coke joke and literally drooled on myself. How do we feel about pavlov's theory of conditioning now?
I just got peed on. This karma circle is starting to get vicious.
Our innocent game of 'Duck, duck, booze.' ended up not being so innocent
So... Apparently, "Home" isn't the correct response when a cop asks for your address...
She fell asleep with me.... We found her pantsless in the dogbed in the morning... Russian foreign exchange students
I'm so busy i barely have time to have sex with myself. I have to talk myself into it like an old married couple.
I can't tell if I'm still on the hangover from last night, or if I'm experiencing the one from tomorrow, because it was so powerful that it actually traveled back through time...
Peanut butter and whiskey is not a dinner
I just realized how terrible that was... I was drumming on your penis to a song about Baby Jesus.
I feel kind of like we’re in a gang and tonight is one of those “people are gonna know not to fuck with us” type of nights. And then tomorrow I am going to learn to pole dance. I’m not really sure how I got to this point in my life… but I like it.
I lost my wallet so I paid for my cab ride home with a sausage sandwich I found in my purse. Must have thought it was my wallet.
Three cans of beer can fit in the shower catty... multi tasking
So, I need to know. Why did you spraypaint your underwear gold?
I'm a freaking penguin. one mate for life, and really awkward at parties
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