The only thing I want to hear out of a girl's mouth tonight is, "slurp".
I am so fucking pissed, there are no Shamwows in the As Seen on TV Store.
Looks like you'll have to stick to jizzing in socks.
his balls ACTUALLY tasted like nuts
does she really think making her boyfriend delete me on facebook is going to magically stop us from hooking up?
Just think, this time last Cinco de Mayo you were holding me up and finding me passed out in the yard of that house.
Just made a Xanax and ginger ale smoothie. Oh Thursday you are good to me..
you know what would be perfect? if you flew in on a horse/cat holding taco bell and then you swooped me up and took me to disney world and it was magical
There was a pirates of the caribbean marathon on. No matter how much you like rum, it is NOT possible to outdrink the pirates. They always win.
I've friend zoned this boy hard. I made him change my nipple rings before he went home.
no, I didn't go in the end. Too hungover and hot, plus Star Wars is on so obviously I'm having a naked day.
with great strapon comes great responsibility.
And he's in a frat. Everyone in a frat is gay. It's science.
Drunk text the hot guy two doors down confessing my love for him.... He gave me a thank you card today.
My dad accidentally texted me asking if I had weed...
Maybe you should say yes, and you guys can like bond or something...
Just woke up next to a hungry lesbian and a half eaten croissant on my stomach. Can you come get me?
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