I swallowed and made him pancakes in the morning. I feel almost as desperate as Jennifer Aniston at this point.
the semester isnt officially over until i take the batteries out of my calculator and put them back into my vibrator
i just realized that the oil change sticker on my windshield is a day before the last time i had sex. I've driven exactly 10500 miles since.
you need to get laid.. and an oil change.
Wait til she sees the pic of her vag in court docs.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Its really bad when you fall asleep at a stop light outside the hotel and you wake up to a small spanish limo driver knocking on your window to tell you it's a green light
Aww. I feel like I need to kill a puppy just to make room in the world for how cute you are right now
I've got my wine, though it wasnt very good so I threw a sour patch kid in it
He told me that if I were a guy he'd go gay for me. Honestly don't know how to take that.
Can you work for me at 4? We might have just taken some drugs we found in the couch and... end of story
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
im not trying to sound dramatic, but im covered in microwavable lasagna
It could be worse. I was dumped by a guy in a kilt after he gave my shoes away on St. Patrick's Day.
I just sent an "I'm sorry I forged a prescription in your name" email. It was one of the more awkward things I've done this week.
What could go wrong? i could have a mental breakdown with a bottle of champagne hand cuffed to a frat bro
Would I do it again? Probably not but still,I don't regret a single ratchet thing I've done in college.
I came so hard I literally levitated off the top of his dick. Gravity was no match for that orgasm!
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