is it a bad sign that i now think of my run-ins with cops as "skill building seminars"?
um, yeah. i think it is.
I cant believe she fell for the mistletoe belt AGAIN.
So I've gone into the break room to heat up a styrofoam cup 8 times over the course of 4 hours.. that desperate to see him. Now I have a broken heart AND cancer.
I specifically found a fat girl to lift me up on her shoulders.\n\nIt was glorious.
You were in subway at 3am showing everyone your tan lines
So. She dumped me today.
Well, maybe you shouldn't have referred to going down on her as "Dumpster-Diving".
You can't buy drugs with a ziplock bag full of quarters, chuck-e-cheese coins, and a starbucks giftcard.
watch me
Well... When your girlfriend fucks your sister, the 2 week courtesy window goes out the door.
I've decided I want to blow you wearing a santa hat.
Aren't rabbit ears more seasonally appropriate?
No, man, we stole the housekeeper's key and we're just going room to room raiding mini fridges. Hurry
Logan has the vodka and snickers. We're making a run for it. Room 302
Why is there uncooked bacon under my bed?
You insisted on taking it to bed with you. You grabbed it out of the fridge while mumbling "If I leave this out, you fuckers are just going to ruin it."
They ran out of toilet paper, so I had a girl rip down the streamers so I could wipe.
He told me he was married and then fingered me on the kitchen counter. It was awkward to explaining the broken toaster to my roommates this morning...
I'm trying to find some better sex background music so his neighbors don't hate us. This is tedious.
Its the damn oven. I think it wants to eat me.
Randomize
