dude I went to cubs game with my mustache, aviators, and a hooded sweatshirt. Do you think it was irony or fate that there were four 17 year old girls in front of us?
I'm going to kill the bastard that switches my hot hookups from the previous night with ugly chicks
just broke no shave november. hello backed up drain december.
Our professor just said "No class today, go get stoned." A guy seriously walked over and hugged him.
He whinnies like a horse when he's cumming. I wish I would have known this before we got into a relationship.
We made a bet that we had to talk like Yoda all night at the bars
I was gonna buy a KIA, but then I remembered how awesome the sex was in the back of a Hyundai so I went with that.
I'm so hungover I can't taste anything
I mixed Jack with hot chocolate. This may be the best or worst idea ever. I have yet to find that out
It's not safe here. I had urgent and violent diarrhea last night, and I got blackout drunk. Please don't come over.
I made a bong out of my deodorant today. Did you?
I just used Bacardi to dry out poison ivy.
Maybe not Elvis quality pharmaceuticals...But some good stuff
Afterwards the first thing I said was, "You know, you're probably the first guy who has ever gotten laid wearing Star Wars pajama bottoms."
She then told me, and I quote "I want to send you nudes just to see how you'd react."
Randomize
