the shit that comes out of a woman's mouth when she knows you can't hit her is fucking unbelieveable
Goddamn it, are you fucking her sister?
did you know it's going to storm tonight?
You bitch. At least tell Laura she's a better kisser.
Dating my ex's drug dealer.. best. revenge. ever.
MASS TEXT: who ever dared Todd to suck on the Clorox wipes last night.. good goin jackass. you can come visit him, hes in room 266, AFTER hes done getting his stomach pumped.
HE DARED ME TO DARE HIM... DONT PUT THAT ON ME.
If you hook up with a kid and the next day he breaks up with his girlfriend, those can be seen as two completely unrelated incidents right?!
also, made a drinking game out of my birthday photos....drink everytime alcohol is in a photo. going through all 350 of them.
Ran into my neighbor that's always crying. I wonder if she's like; "I ran into my neighbor who's always playing with her vibrator?"
I'm daydrinking whiskey in a princess hat
when I type Christina's, my phone's predictive text assumes my next word is boobage
being serenaded is actually kind of awkward 2/10 do not reccommend
The thing about being single is like Sunday morning sex is nice but so is Sunday morning eating Nutella from the jar in your underwear
I just put on my bra while peeing. I fear this will be my big achievement of the day.
May I the honors of taking your dick tonight?
The honor would be all mine.
Alone, in the dark, eating tacos and drinking vodka. Who's apartment is this?
I'll talk to you in a minute. Gotta put my peacocks away
Randomize
