Dipping chips in queso and thinking of your beautiful face
I just saw a girl walking home wearing a tshirt, boxers, and cowboy boots. Thanks for having the decency to drive me to my car.
Just got a script for 120 vicodin with 6 refills. I feel like michael jackson.
I could make treat bags
what the fuck. my fiance told me she called our wedding band last night and told them to perform "best i ever had" for our first dance
No, I'm not keeping her! I can't become an adulterer and a dog stealer in the same 24 hours...
bah. we'll see. don't give yourself a boner of false hope.
A milkman. But instead of milk I'm delivering marijuana. And instead of a milk truck it's an armored car.
You're a weed delivery man, in an armored car?
Is it bad I'm drunk at orientation
You've been there for 12 hours, what are you supposed to be doing
Not be drunk
we dropped acid in chinatown. worst. idea. ever. too many colors. and nobody has any idea where steve is.
I love that there are toys on the counter. Coffee, tea, wine bottles, gag ball, and handcuffs.
My kitchen gets me.
I met her parents last night. Her dad smelled like weed and kept yelling "I HAVE ALLERGIES AHHH MY EYES ARE BURNING!" During dinner It had to be good weed he didn't even know he was yelling.
well we started off by chasing vodka with chocolate milk and ended up trying to befriend a crippled raccoon so that should tell you how our night went
Drugs and unwanted pregnancies are the only things that I'm good at. College comes in at a close third.
That was the first time ive ever slept with a girl with a q in her name
Cover for me. Stopped at Chris’ for a quickie. Broke a high heel and there’s jizz all over my black dress. Fuck pornstars for making workday sex look easy
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