i waited two years for her to sleep with me. it just didnt seem worth it.
she lost her virginity three hours after you dumped her.
are you serious?
Whats the glycemic index on semen?
It was like doing yoga with his dick in me
You drank almost the entire bottle of everclear and wanted to walk around. I guess your best friends sister is a cop and you wanted her to arrest you like the lil wayne song.... so sorry dude.
Ordered a large pizza and definitely just paid the cab driver in pizza slices. I'm glad there's someone out there that's just as fat at heart as we are.
A DRUNK EMT IS BETTER THAN NO EMT!!!
SORRY! Pervert came out for a bit. BAD PERVERT! BACK IN YOUR HOME!
Being at this stripclub only reinforces how single I am. And I was *just* becoming okay with that.
Def just hooked up with my brother's senior prom date in his bed. Does that make me the worst brother ever?
On a not really funny at all but kinda brighter note I've gotten really good at texting in hand cuffs
He put a canoe in the lazy river at the water and started paddling away from security
I told people at my moms bar that all I needed to sober up was to get my asshole licked, and I blame you 110%.
he never texted me back from last night. i think brining out the suction cup dildo was a mistake
We got really excited for country fried steak then we had sex.
That girl is like a master class on how to be an unlovable crazy person.
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