Dude that chick in the corner just threw up
Hot
I Bought a bracelet with bible characters and a charm broke. the virgin mary one. Do you think it's a sign?
She is making me post-sex grilled cheese at 2 am wearing only shorts and cowboy boots. I am so in love
His mom just asked me if I was "fooling around with her baby again" and then when I walked downstairs his dad YELLED "Look who's taking the walk of shame!"
You really need to stop fucking dudes who still live with their parents.
He googled "how long will i be drunk" and just started crying
Finished my senior thesis. How am I celebrating you ask? By drinking gas station white zif out of an empty candle holder by myself. I fucking deserve to graduate.
Always wear a seatbelt when giving road head. I think I'm just going to tell people I don't remember how I got the fat lip.
Two options. One, you listen while I freak out. Two, we have mediocre to awesome car sex and don't talk. Either way, I'll be there by 7
He is so sweet! He thanks me for sending him dirty pix. I should keep him.
BABE I MISS YOU SO MUCH LIKE THE SADNESS OVERWHELMS BONER ABILITY
No matter how long you've been away, there's nothing quite like pooping at your parents' house
When the vodka monkeys are playing a drum solo in my skull tomorrow, remind me I tried to sterilize my body from the inside with titos
Sorry I blacked out in bed
it was real late and you were brushing your teeth with miller light. it was bound to happen.
Dude my toilet did not deserve what I just did to it
There are footprints all over my windshield
You said you were making waffles...
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