Dude, she had a vegina. I felt like Indiana Jones cutting a path through the jungle.
yeah so i didn't even realize i was on meth until the next morning
i was concerned for your health after you took your "last shot" four times...
I told him "thank you for wearing a turtleneck yesterday, I no longer have a strong erg to have sex with you. " He is no longer speaking to me.
the guy in the stall next to me, came in, farted, laughed, and proceeded to give himself some sort of hillbilly pep talk that included the phrase "big pussy".
Woke up in my own bed with a "New Years Eve 2011" bar bracelet on. Both of these things confuse me.
You pretty much isn't said it
Those words don't go together.
Brian got his first ever blow job last night. We should make him a scrapbook.
My dick pics could make it to the popular page on Instagram.
My sheer presence has sent the hipsters running in terror. I expect no problems.
Sorry it's taking so long, it's harder to take an ass pic with an iPad than you think
HE FINALLY TEXT ME AND CALLED ME BY MY TWITTER NAME STAND BY FOR THE WEDDING INVITE, BRIDESMAID
They won't let me buy alcohol in the airport until 9am. Super judgemental
You know it's really hard to draft fantasy football players in a crowded bar when I have a raging hard on
I think the cashier at 7/11 might be planning an intervention for me.
Randomize
