you know you've been in a long relationship when u start retiring sex toys
i am not allowed to pick the men i sleep with anymore
We were sexting and then the radio announced robert pattinson would be playing kurt cobain in a movie and it totally killed the mood
There is booty call etiquette, and he just isn't following it. I'm not making you breakfast, gtfo.
I need to get a job that holds me accountable for something. Otherwise I wake upon Monday wondering when the booze store opens and if I still have a boyfriend.
when you're a senior and the freshman guy you wake up next to asks who you are, you DO NOT give him your real name.
I masturbated to my balding thirty-something co-worker last night. I am a new level of lonely.
Any chance I can buy my dignity back with $45?
Well, if it makes you feel any better I'll be drinking tequila and doing lines on Halloween. Just like old days.
Not at all! I'll let your potential employer know you have a huge dick
NOBODY TALKS SHIT ABOUT PANDA EXPRESS
I am going home. I have pee on my pants. Rachel is driving and I and drunk. It is not Rachels pee. It is my pee.
So some guy thought I took second place in a male stripper competition
I forget how to act sober
Oh no. He's definitely text-flirting with me. No straight man over 30 has any other excuse to use so many smiley faces...
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