Turns out drinking large amounts of Gentleman Jack does NOT turn you into a Gentleman -- quite the opposite actually.
Just woke to a Christmas wrapped pack of hotdogs in my bathtub. How high did we get?
I sat down with you and helped you write your will last night. I was THAT convinced that you weren't waking up.
When are you comin back?
probably mid next week, depending on when i finish my remaining half gallons
Yes, do intervene. Unless it involves cowboys with loud trucks and hard 9 inch dicks. Then just come back for me in the morning.
I'm going to keep a tally of how many lives I ruin this summer. Starting today.
Already at 3 and it's not even noon.
They shoved things up my nose I feel violated
I like the wholesome side of you
I'm so goddamned horny I could use all my pent up energy to tear a redwood out by its roots.
In local news, attempts to hide phone from extremely drunk self prove unsuccessful for Dallas woman.
we are eating waffles in the pillow fort. Still think you're too straight for a threesome?
I'll be right over.
Correction: Jimmy johns. The one pita pit employee has been an asshole to me ever since you locked them out of the store
Last night when we banged she had nothing else on but socks that said 'property of Jesus' on them.
Was not aware that standing loudly up off the couch and loudly, drunkenly slurring "I'M EIGHTEEN NOW BITCHES" counted as a primitive mating call.
I don't know why this person would ask for help. It sounds pretty OK to me. Also, I'd steal those bagpipes.
Not only is he funny, he had a REALLY big dick
He's old enough to be your father!
REALLY. BIG. DICK.
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