Come home. Im drunk and cutting my own hair. This is bad, i need you.
new revelation: five guys for breakfast
new revelation: previous revelation not a good revelation
She was about to go down when you guys iced me. Thanks bro
Dude your not gonna get by security covered in blood wearing only a robe
Don't worry I'm drunk they won't say anything
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you came out with your cock in between the legs of a balloon animal. Maybe she'll think you have a sense of humor.
What kind of balloon animal was it?
No just sleep deprived. James woke me up at 7 and forced me to eat a hot pocket with him cause he " didn't want me to die".
he says he is going to get you very high and make you leave the country with him
possibly by boat
It might've been him telling me last night that he "doesn't even need beer goggles to fuck me." When I thought that was sweet, I realized something needed to change.
Even dream me is a champ at smoking weed
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Celebrating landing my dream job by watching zombie movies and drinking free booze in the bath. I'm like 90% sure I just won life.
You've gotta make sure the carpets match the drapes, though.
I am not dying my bush blue.
You would seriously think I would remember who put themselves in my phone as Burt Rynalds Moustache, but I don't. And I need to be reminded of who you are so I can give you a proper high five.
No i dont need a babysitter i have my cats. Cats can dial 911 ya know
So it turns out strippers do encores if enough people yell. Encore song: Self Esteem.
If sex isn’t mentioned at least three times at the dinner table, I’m not interested...
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