oh right, i forgot that not everyone has a go-to blowjob
I'm drinking margaritas out of a soup mug, of course I'm going to get wasted
She told me to wait on the sofa while she freshened up. She's been in the bathroom for an hour. I have a bad feeling about this.
He just texted me from the outside of the hospital. He called the fat broad in the bar mrs snuffleupagus about 60 times and she broke a bottle of blackberry brandy over his head.
Just showered now I smell like berries instead of shame
Sometimes a girl needs 4 shots of whiskey in her diet coke at 5 in the afternoon and i feel no shame in admitting that girl is me
But now I'm just thinking when he said he "worked for the airline" he actually meant drug smuggling.
Like my new perfume? It's a combination of Fireball, sex and bad decisions.
I'm like a freaking volcano of life and sexual frustrations
I know they deliver ice cream, but do you think I can ask the delivery guy to watch the rest of the movie with me too?
He smoked and I was tired so left before we did anything. I literally left him high and dry.
I accepted my type is not "conventionally attractive" when she asked me "Him? Are you sure?" 5 times in front of him last night
I wish I could send you one of those donuts I had. Like teleport it to you. Because it would change your life
we've never stayed at a party for more than an hour. we always end up at a pizzaria. by ourselves. with no friends.
what else are best friends for?
Just because I know you’ll get a kick out of this, I sneezed earlier and cupcake frosting came out
Randomize
