we sat in the hammock and pretended we were skydiving for three hours. jack actually started crying when i convinced him his chute didnt open.
I'm okay, they said the swelling should go down in a week. But next time I'm shitwrecked, please make sure to remind me that I can't open a champagne bottle with corkscrew.
We videoed ourselves having sex... I now know why I close my eyes during sex
Did you really just use your nipple as a unit of measurement?
He was banging holes in the kitchen wall with pots. They tried to pull him away but only managed to pants him. He kept "drumming".
I left two hundred in singles in your car sorry about the mess
Showerbowl immediately followed by pullups naked. I feel like fucking Tarzan
im just gonna lie here and collect money in this whoppers bag while sprawled out on this bench and explain that its to buy weed for my hangover
He just kept yelling cup my balls to everyone they kicked us out after 20 min
as i sobered up i realized that her cute accent was actually a speech impediment
Diet Starts Tomorrow! Guy from McDonalds asked if I got a new car...
I'm sitting at dinner with my family looking over sexts. The thirst is far too real. They're talking about retail and I'm like haha, yes, you are all correct.
I AHVE A WINE BUCKETTTTTTT
It's my birthday, if I want to stay home, get stoned and watch the gameshow network, that's what I'm going to do.
I told him I thought I was pregnant and he told me he accidentally killed my bird.
Circle of life.
Randomize
