it sounds like her vocal chords are covered in pudding and rocks. come get me.
I just caught my mom fingering herself in the bathroom...Im moving out.
ok this is the part where i go up stairs and pass out incoherently untill 6 30 tommaorw morning and not rember any of this. love youuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuu!
my mom just emptied my water bottle filled with vodka into the turtle tank.
btw found the cat. he didn't appreciate the toilet bath.
when someone at the bar asked you a question all you knew how to say was "chug-a-lug"
isn't that the guy who always buys you drinks?
yeah. i love a man who still buys me drinks after the bar cuts me off.
next time on intervention
You can't start the super bowl without starting a kitchen fire making cole slaw. Its unamerican.
I don't even want to know
We had to go to his parents last night for dinner & ended up having a quickie in the bathroom while everyone else was outside smoking.. This is why we have a successful marriage.
Your exhaustion is probably due to your rampant sexual urges and the fact that you live the same life as a raccoon.
As a plus, I've lost 5 pounds in two days, so "party all weekend" is officially a valid diet plan.
she keeps dunkaroos and gatorade in her bed. yep pretty sure im in love.
Just got offered bathroom sex. I've never been more flattered.
you can't tell me not to come to work cause roads are bad then ask me an hour later to come in and expect me to be sober
I'm literally beginning to think that my sex dreams are prophesies
Randomize
