haha omg you stole $185 from a passed out drunk indian on your porch and called the ambulance??
savin' lives aint cheap
so you masturbated because Oprah told you?
Cops showed up at 4 am to address a noise complaint and she called them pussies for not doing shots with us.
Listen, Pinot Grigio got me pregnant. It can get you a boyfriend.
I'm pretty sure it all started going downhill last night when they suggested I see how much sambuca I could fit in my mouth
Okay, just a casual question: how did i manage to get grass stains on the inside of my bra?
We shaved off his eyebrows I'm pretty sure his fiance will be thrilled at the wedding
Saved a life and got us a free vacuum cleaner (and learned vacuum is not spelled "vacumn"). Get on my level.
My brother slept till 4, bought a sword, got drunk and sharpened said sword. I went to corporate compliance training. Life is not fair.
Yeah probably not. I have a hair appt, a gun class, and hopefully a boy to fuck. I'm booked.
summer in europe = liver of steel
I accept that challenge.
Umm... When he walked in I shot him with my confetti gun... It's a wonder my booty calls even show up.
The couple in the apartment next to mine are both opera singers. I’m never sure if I’m hearing them banging or doing vocal warm-ups.
It’s like my vagina just knows when a man is a barrel-chested freedom fighter.
I used to shoot steroids in my ass but for a totally different reason
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