I think I speak chipmunk. Odd.
Are you high?
No. That's why it's odd
then she made me sanitize my hands before fingering her...i may have found my soulmate
it was just fiscally responsible to stop going to strip clubs where the strippers recognized me
The timing couldn't have been better if I planned it. His mom walked away, I vomited in their mulch, and then his mom came back and offered me bread.
He gave me a hug and said "He doesn't deserve you, Anna. Your boobs are great, and I'd fuck you anytime. Any. Place." I need a new 'gay' friend.
You've gotta make sure the carpets match the drapes, though.
I am not dying my bush blue.
I didn't pop out of a cake in a speedo with diagrams
In case that's what u were picturing
My inner pteradactyl is also confused.
Who are you to come into MY house and tell me when I can or cannot take my pants off?
So i just remembered that thing i use to do with your butt because of shark week.
Update: drank half a bottle of Bourbon and texted three ex's. Waiting for the roommates to go to sleep so I can raid the fridge.
Woke up with a padlock locked onto my ear gauge and the first of many sticky note clues on my chest leading to the key.
you put your keys in the fridge so you wouldn't forget your yoohoo
Do u think the bouncer will let me in with a giant stuffed snake?
my alarm on my phone broke at the bar sooo i had to sleep with someone so i'd wake up on time for work.
Randomize
