How crunk are you?
I'm a Tom Selleck. Zero being Tipper Gore and max being the Bush twins
I farted on Jack's balls last night. He got pissed and walked away cause he knew it was on purpose. I couldn't hold it in anymore.
You were pretty committed to that cat costume. Between pukes, you would meow and assure people that you just had a hairball you couldn't get out...
I just used celery as a chaser. That's the level of my refrigerator.
At a Jewish lesbian wedding. I stick out like a sore, uncircumcised penis.
Remind me if I threw up on you last night or if that was just a dream.
If turning my entire backyard into a slip-n-slide is wrong then I don't wanna be right
The claw marks on my back are healing nicely. Just thought you should know.
My bad. Next time I'll wear mittens.
He stole all of his parent's vodka WHILE they were in the room, and then opened the window and snuck out. I was watching from my truck
So my roommate and I have a written agreement stating that if he tries to sleep with his ex girlfriend, I have to immediately intervene and nut punch him then send her on her way.
this is the most serious roommate agreement ever
They don't even know who I am but they just woke me up with maracas and invited my boobs to a kegger
Am I the only one who saw the used condom in the driveway this morning
I swear to god if you settle for a trump supporting packers fan, I will not acknowledge your children. You're better than that.
I just timed my pee with a stop watch. From when the main stream started to ended. It was 45.1 seconds. This is the truth trust me.
It baffles me why I still wear white underwear...
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