Most awkward sex ever...
And im texting you in the middle.
I called him Han Solo during sex, he looked at me like he was mortified then I realized he came.
I made an oral joke and he laughed... That's when I realized I wasn't Daddy's Little Girl anymore.
I have two stamps on my hand....ones from the bar and one is from an aquarium...care to explain?
Dude I live in a fucking closet and still get laid every weekend. Figure it out.
He let him chew on his fu man chew. The man has the patience of a saint
Are you up yet? I really want to know if i tried sleeping in a field... i have the vaguest memory of trying to
A little sexual choking never killed anyone. And if it did, they died happy.
I masturbated to my balding thirty-something co-worker last night. I am a new level of lonely.
Had to drive my booty call home because he had an asthma attack after we had sex .. How was your night?
Of course i made out w him. He was painted green. You know of my secret longing for the Hulk.
I was going to be upset with you on moral grounds but then i realized free chocolate was involved
i like him enough to wash my sheets.. but not enough to finally get that pink lemonade and vodka slushy stain out of my carpet
i'm pretty sure my brother is still drunk from last night. he's telling my parents that humans are at the top of the food chain for a reason and listing off all the exotic animals he would eat
Oh my god my purse is too heavy for me to dance with boys cause it has too many stolen sink faucets in it
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