I woke up with semen in my invisalign. My molars were just marinating in it
Dude, you were so drunk last night that when we went into subway, you forgot the word for bread.
obviously he has no clue about college dating. it goes drunken sex then the 1st date
Got a blowie from her in the cab on the way home. Made awkward eye contact with the cabbie who said, and I quote "Keep the mess in her mouth bro", I did so only out of respect
I just realized I consumed seven different types of alcohol this weekend. And I'm only counting jungle juice as one of those. How the fuck did I not die?
They let me close the tennis center alone. It's a 6-minute drive from 2 of my booty calls. Scratch tennis court bj off the bucket list.
I miss my brother. He would have fucked the fat girl for me.
I told you I would
I wouldnt do that to you. You're my actual friend
I feel like the devil slapped me in the face with his dick.
Birthday success
Nothing screams fatass like a pizza that doesn't fit in your car
Fuck you, you can't judge me til you've smelt my boobs.
I've noticed we have slowly begun to phase the "B" out of our Bromance.
I may or have may not just taken a swig out of a jar of alfedo sauce in my fridge. Dont judge me
Pooping with Eye of the Tiger playing. Not a single fuck shall be given.
If anything I look like a soccor mom going out for her annual ladies night. Trying hard, but not quite in her twenty's anymore.
It's like every time I'm baked I discover my fingers all over again.
Randomize
