i fell asleep on him beating off on webcam last night, i'm such a great boyfriend.
I picked my nose. Flicked it. I heard it hit something. Next thing I know, it's floating around in my wine glass.
I mixed the ketchup wit the mustard in one bottle to save time making hotdogs
i refuse to live in a world where loud threesomes in your own apartment are referred to as "rude"
did you yell "are you not entertained?"
if I want to go home with a foreign boy, please feel free to let me go, sober me gives you permission to let drunken me do it
Sorry my moustache came off because I was face first in a layered bucket full of jello shots.
she looked at me completely serious and said "orgasms are 15% Stronger during a hurricane" and started to take all her clothes off
Just shook hands with the bud light truck driver, thanked him for his service to our country
Do you know how I hurt my ankle or my shoulder? Or the origin of any of the following mystery bruises: left quad, left wrist, right elbow. Thanks for playing.
If you're not on crutches for breakfast, I'll feel like I've failed you.
Idk every story shes told me thats started with "back when i was a lesbian" has been my new favorite story
A huge penis doesn't warm the soul. Or that's what I've had to tell myself.
I don't think I'm ever gonna need a boyfriend again. I have a body pillow, a vibrator, and I'm strong enough to open my own jars.
Beer and Reeses. dinner of champions
so i showed up to the bars in a sombrero and a tie as a headband... so yeah, they didn't let me in
Randomize
