I feel like death. Did you die last night?
Nope. Ready for round 2. Fiesta!
unreal. Greatest comeback since Jesus
I bet they all look and smell like Amy Winehouse
My dignity? Collapsing on itself like a dying star.
you know he's having a sex change. I can't believe you called him "titty man" to his face....
I dont care about anyone or anything else I just want to make love to you on my air mattress
Since you haven't talked to me since the rancid whipped cream fiasco, I'm going to assume we are no longer hooking up. But I need my handcuffs back. ASAP.
there are teeth marks in the soap. why are there teeth marks in the soap.
so do you, all the weight can't fall on me. I'll befriend a ball pit owner if you will befriend a drug dealer. teamwork.
Don't look him in the eyes, it like looking at the sun but instead of burning your retinas it makes you wet and vulnerable
I just ate cottage cheese and went to the gym at 6 this morning...the things i'll do because I might get naked in front of a new boy
I feel like a pile of chihuahua shit that got eaten by a Great Dane who puked it up and then set it on fire.
And he listens to me when I talk to him like the hulk.
You can't die you're my only democrat family member
Fuck you guys, I'm trying to nurse my hangover and eat my chicken tenders in peace.
He was semi blacked out in the hallway with a bucket, calling for me while I had sex with his best friend in the very next room. Why do you let me do these things?
Randomize
