I rubbed one out into an envelope and mailed it to her. Game point, I win.
I've never seen the starbucks guy more terrified than when you dove out the car window after your credit card
No. I do not want to discuss your lesbian tendencies with my sister.
She still started it.
Sorry, but you probably shouldn't come over. I'm too sober for this.
I'm having a really difficult time dealing with the fact that my dog now shares a name with Snooki's crotch-spawn.
$645 later, she's throwing up in my washroom and asking for a cab. Hooker are soooo much cheaper.
I told my doctor about us having twin chlamydia
Did I run away from you last night?
Yeah it was a great moment for our friendship
Do you remember telling our cab driver you were going to fuck a penguin?
I woke up and sent him a text that said 'I'm sorry forever'
In other news, the one guy I DIDN'T have sex with in High School is now famous.
I swear to god he thought my ass was a bag of wine last night.
the universe is starting to freak me out.. ive now had sex with 3 people who were born on the same day..
Just realized how behind i am. Will gradually increase drinking until i don't remember that i missed an entire year of class.
His wife isn’t coming to the wedding! I’ve got 48 hours to home wreck him. Gotta go, I have to shave my vajayjay and buy some really slutty underwear. Love you!
Randomize
