The funny thing is... I'm about to go to the store to buy WD-40 and condoms... That's it.
And before you ask they are unrelated purchases.
I just encountered the most annoying guy on the planet. I wanted to slap his milkshake out of his fat-boy hands while he was talking to me at the same time as slurping his liquid fat.
I love milkshakes.
Not the point.
he sent me a picture of his dick with a heart border around it
Hey fuck you and your taint. I'm just riding a canoe called life, back the fuck off. P.s. I need a ride
If shame burned calories, I'll be back to my birth weight by the end of this weekend.
High enough to ask the woman at best buy if she ever feels like she's swimming. and telling the man outside that he smells like happy juice.
Hate to say it and even though I definitely have a biased opinion but I'm surprised your not, sleeping with anyone else. Good personality, charisma and amazing in the sack.
Feel free to use me as a reference.
I'm wearing a real bra and real shoes. I look like a fucking lady.
Why were you eating a hot dog in the bathroom at 230 am?
My roommate was sleeping, I thought it would be rude
I feel like too many of my sentences start of with "Hey, fuckface!"
Why are there four guys spooning on the living room floor?
They're still there? Shit. They were supposed to leave after they hugged it out.
Did you hear about the guy wearing a spiderman mask running around naked with a bottle of patron?
Yeah.
I was spiderman.
I promise your sink was clogged before I threw up in it.
We could just go to Vegas and celebrate my singlehood and not contributing to the population.
All I heard was "sit on my face" "okay" and muffled screaming. I'm still disappointed.
Randomize
