4:25 am: I want you here. Ugh.
well my dad not being home definitely made it less awkward to walk in carrying the bra I left wearing.
apparently dick flashing is a frowned upon sport here..... sorry girlfriends mom
You insisted on calling your mixture of Bacardi & powdered milk "a Jamacian Facial."
I miss the time when Mondays weren't the new Thursdays. I can't drink like my 17 year old self anymore.
Alright whatever you say... But in the future when you really wish you had a dildo don't come crying to me about it.
Wait. Did you let me snort wine last night cause I wanted to smell jesus's blood?
Yes. I have pictures. Your soul is mine.
i cant believe im seriously wearing his ex girlfriends underwear right now
wait did i hook up with someone in mcdonalds last night?
the quiet that you are hearing is a silent suggestion that you should go fuck yourself
I will teach you the ways of the ho life, my little gay grasshopper.
I just matched the dude who's car I rear ended 2 years ago on tinder. I don't think he remembers.
I used your vibrator when you were out of town. Now I know why you always come out of your room smiling.
You just kept yelling "you ain't got no pancake mix." to the tv screen
Remind me later when I want to buy more drinks that there's a 20 in my bra
Randomize
