Cab driver just said he likes mutual masturbation in the cab. Um
Things I find upon waking: a gay man, a straight girl both clad in web bathing suits, a full bathtub, an empyt bottle of jamesons at the bottom and a scuba mask
Don't know whats worst me sharding on her a bit or her believing me when i told her she did it...
The stories of what you did in Cuba got home before you.
Also, we should really buy some bandaids. Right now I'm using toilet paper and scotch tape, but I don't really think that's sanitary.
He sent me a picture of his dick earlier so now we can all laugh at him tomorrow
I'M SO WET FOR FREEDOM
I just dropped $300 on lingerie. He better rip this off with his teeth.
In case you wake up wondering why your eyes hurt... You were claiming to be Zeus and that mortal weapons couldn't harm you. Some chick took it as a challenge and pepper sprayed you. Sorry dude.
No work today. I woke up and someone had written "Markhot Penis = Party" on my forehead in sharpie. Do you know a Mark?
as your best friend, I hope we never outgrow 'I Just Got Laid' texts
How do I convince my friend not to get tattoo tributes to her cats?
WHO DOES THAT
I told her it'd send up tons of red flags and she responded by telling me they're her babies. And she's sober.
was I atleast graceful when I feel down that flight of stairs and broke my hand?
There's a random table in the kitchen...and it's not the kitchen table...we don't know where it came from
Omg I just smoked and it was the end so I basically got resin and death, my throat feels like the twilight vampire description of their thirst for blood
Randomize
